What is my purpose and why have I struggled so long to find it?

I have stressed over this question for no less than 40 years and I don’t think I have ever found anything close to an earth shattering “aha” about it. So, why has it eluded me? I think I have been searching and inquiring through the lense of the ego or identity. I have always searched for something that was either money driven or for acknowledgement or notoriety. What an interesting conundrum! So, I believe, the very survival and ego needs that our culture pushes is exactly what has gotten in the way all these years.

When I think back to High School and Frostburg State College, I remember well what I was good at and VERY interested in pursuing: reading, writing, performing and teaching. I LOVED reading, researching and putting my words onto paper or into my art. I always enjoyed sharing my insights and logic as well as entertaining and making others laugh. These are things that come so naturally and easily for me.

The more I ponder this the clearer I see that these are talents or skills, not purpose. However, these talents and skills come in very handy in pursuing or fulfilling a task or purpose of the moment. What I am searching for is that sign in the sky that tells me what I am on this planet to do. What is my destiny? Unfortunately, I have never found that sign, and what’s more; this “destiny” has changed from day to day, year to year and moment to moment. It evolves.

I had a clear thought earlier while pondering this that resonated with me. I thought about animals and plants. What was their purpose in nature, on the earth, in the cosmos? TO EXIST! To be! To live! Think about it. There is a harmony behind all of it that simply wants to express itself. As humans we call these things talents and skills. In nature, we’ve mistakenly called it purpose. Is it really?

Was the bee “created” for the purpose of pollinating flowers? No, they are simply collecting nectar to take back to the hive. It’s their food. The by-product of that activity is the pollination of the flowers. Just sit with it and ponder this. Do the flowers have a purpose? Do trees have a purpose? Do fish or deer or the carnivorous animals? No! They simply exist and express themselves and what they are good at…

So, to translate this concept to me is easy. My purpose now is simply to live and exist. No high and mighty purpose to bog me down anymore. Sure, I have things I am good at and enjoy doing, but they do not define my purpose anymore. They are simply forms of expression yearning to be expressed through this form called Stefen. It is Life or Source Energy living and expressing through its multitude of forms and expressions. They are as vast as the Universe itself.

I am another expression of LIFE. The purpose of this human is simply to live each day and express the gifts and talents life shares through me, moment by moment, day by day, year by year.

So, where does that leave this conversation? Fulfilled? Hardly! Really, the conundrum is getting the mind to wrap itself around the simplicity of this realization. It actually is not the mind, it is the ego, or the identity that must grasp this and that is not in its nature to do so. Furthermore, it will change from moment to moment, evolving and becoming a moving target.

In looking at life now I have a whole new spin, a whole new freedom, a whole new space. Wow, how lovely to be able to breathe now!

Prose and Poetry

– My Beloved –

Jaded and beat up,

I’ve run from life,

And tried to leave this place,

Yet here I sit in this human race.

All the things life put me through,

I’d truly given in,

I never knew how sweet love was,

Until I felt it from within.

The way I love is deep and pure,

The way I feel is deeper still,

Conflict and upset can easily endure,

Feelings grinding me like a mill.

I truly felt love would never be,

For simply who I am,

You came along,

You rocked my world,

You took my hand,

And loved me as I am.

Words cannot express how I feel inside,

They try, they grasp and stumble still,

And yet they don’t fulfill.

My love is deeper than I can admit,

It pushes me to the edge,

So here I am to take your hand,

And jump off with you and fly…

Practice, practice, practice...

I am so excited about life today that I can barely stand myself. Things are getting easier and easier. I am simply holding a space of what I consider my reality. It is ALL IN THE MIND. It seems the more I surrender my desires, wishes and needs, the more peaceful and full of life I become.

Do I have daily actions to perform? Yes. Do I have things to do? Yes. The difference is the direction is coming from my connection to Source and my guides. I can surrender all of my concerns and worries and simply live in the moment and ENJOY the experience.

Do I experience challenges? Yes. They just don’t knock me off center anymore. I know the way is made clear and I know what to do or I will be shown. It REALLY is that simple.

Do I still have desires, wishes and a vision? Of course. The difference is that I surrender them to my Source and to my guides and trust I am being led.

Why do I say these things? Because I practice them daily and moment by moment. Just like in my Yoga classes, it is all about practice. I can believe all I want, but the rubber meets the road when I try this stuff out. That’s how we get better at any skill or talent. We practice…

Surrender

My mediumship class the other day really impacted me as it was all about surrender to Spirit’s guidance and direction. This is a place I have lived before and watched my life unfold magically and wonderfully. It is time to do that again. I was reminded in class that Surrender to the Spirit is the highest form of spiritual practice as I am in the FLOW. This is what I have been focusing on and this is where I intend to stay. It creates a space of peace in my mind and heart that cannot be put into words. It is delicious! And so it is…

Passion? What's that?

My passion is to find and express myself and my gifts authentically and lovingly at all times and in all places. This is a constant challenge as I am bombarded by humanity's, as well as my own, dysfunctions and inauthenticities seemingly every moment of every day. What I do know is that I cannot control ANYTHING or anyone. Sometimes I wonder if I can control myself and my mind as well... Ha! Good luck kiddo!

The more I "learn" the more I don't know. What a place to live!

Life seems to be a journey of discovery for me. For the past few years I have been looking and searching for my "place" in our world culture and what I can bring to the table. It has been a daunting and challenging task as I have been looking through the lenses of the past and not the present moment.

So my newfound passion, obsession and fixation is being in the moment, NOW! It is NO easy task as I have said already. Why, do you ask?

Well, I have to be authentic with my thoughts and feelings, first within myself and then others. I have struggled at determining what is inauthentic for me and what is not. I have struggled with what is valuable and what is not. I have had to look at EVERY belief, desire and goal I have ever held. It has given me the wisdom to really determine what is real for me and what is not.

So the payoff for this process is that I feel lighter and am more present in my life and with my friends and family. I find the more I let go of what is NOT real and simply be myself, the better things turn out.

So, to sum it all up, I would say that letting go of what is not real and embracing the Unknown is my passion. The more I empty myself of the past, the more Source can express and create through me. This is the ONLY thing of which I am certain...